A woman’s loyalty is tested.....

“A woman’s loyalty is tested when her man has nothing. ... A man’s loyalty is tested when he has everything....”


Anita snapped the book she was reading shut. She was trying to escape from her thoughts but that quote she just read was doing the exact opposite. She and her husband Steven had just had a big row which ended when he slammed the front door and walked out of the house. Ever since Steven was made redundant, they had been fighting a lot. To be fair to Steven, he was trying hard to get another job but no one was hiring and the few that were, had a lot of applicants applying for it. He was also trying to set up a new business which was taking up a lot of capital.

Anita had a good paying job but with only one income coming in, they had made a few cuts in their spending. She found she was easily irritable and was always snapping at Steven and their 5 year old son Jamie. She expected Steven to be more hands on around the house since he had a more flexible schedule. He helped as he always had before he lost his job in getting Jamie ready for school and getting him ready for bed, but Anita wanted him to help out with cooking dinner, cleaning the house and doing the grocery. He wasn’t a good cook but he could learn. She had tried to bring up the subject of doing more around the house before and it had always ended up in a row. He didn’t understand why she expected him to do these extra things just because he was out of a job since when they were both working she had done all these things happily and never complained.

If Anita was honest to herself, their latest row could have been avoided. Anita had come back from work that evening tired and exhausted. All she wanted to do was have a soak in the bath and unwind. Thankfully, Steven had fed Jamie and put him to bed. Steven was getting ready to go out to meet up with some of his friends when she came home. She knew he hadn’t been out for a while and he had been looking forward to just chilling with his close buddies, but a part of her was irritated that he thought it okay to go out when they were living on a tight budget. Just as he was about to leave the house, he asked Anita if she could give him some money because he was a bit low on cash. She pretended not to have heard him. He asked her again and in an irritated tone she told him if he didn’t have enough money then maybe he should stay home and forget about going out. She went on to say a lot of mean things to him. Her last statement to him was that she had lost respect for him ever since she had been forced to provide for their family. Steven listened to all she had to say without interrupting her and when she had finished, he reminded her of how he had been the sole provider for their family when she got pregnant with Jamie. He provided for them right up till a year ago when she decided she wanted to go back to work. Even when she started working, he still paid the bills and gave her money for the grocery shopping. He always gave her more than she ever asked him for happily. Even though he had been out of a job for 2 months, he still paid the bills, using the money from his savings account. All he had asked her to take care of was the grocery shopping and Jamie’s school fees. This she had only done for 2 months and was already complaining about it. She kept replaying Steven’s last words before he stormed out “I guess for better for worse means nothing to you”.

Steven’s last words came as a surprise. For starters she hadn’t thought about the vows they had made to each other since the day they got married. In her subconscious, for better for worse meant if he was ever sick she would be there for him. Sickness for her meant when he had the flu or a fever she would nurse him to good health. She had never thought of being there for him other than that. Thinking about it now, she felt really ashamed of herself. She had not been the helpmate that she was made to be for him. Once Steven had lost his job and she had been forced to take up more financial responsibilities, she had started resenting him and her respect for him dwindled on a daily basis. Like he reminded her, when he was the only one working, he always gave her everything she asked him for. He never belittled her or made her feel like she was a burden. Tonight she had done both to him. She sat in the dark waiting for him to come back home and praying and hoping he would accept her apology and forgive her.

For better for worse means we will be by our spouse’s side through good times and bad times regardless. Once Anita became the sole earner, she expected Steven to start cleaning, cooking and doing the groceries. These were chores she had done when they were both working without complaining about it. She no longer felt she had to respect him because she was the breadwinner. She wasn’t sensitive to his feelings. Traditionally men feel they need to provide for their family and when they can’t they feel like they have let their family down.

It is easy to love our spouse when things are going well, when we are in good health, financially stable, blessed with children etc. We are very quick to forget the good times once the bad times hit. We tend to focus on the negative. When things go wrong we need to be patient with our spouse and persevere in working through the difficult time.

“Honey please pick up some washing up liquid from the Supermarket”



Andy was very furious. At 4:30pm, his boss David had asked him to work on a presentation that needed to be delivered the following day. Granted David had only just found out about it but Andy felt he could have done it himself rather than giving it to him to do it. He had been working long hours for the past 2 weeks and had hoped he could leave work early today. He had promised his wife Mandy to be home early. Mandy had told him she was going to make his favourite meal of fried rice with beef in black bean sauce and he had been looking forward to eating it all day.


When David asked him to work on the presentation, Andy had to restrain himself from losing his temper. A lot of his colleagues had been laid off recently and there were rumours of further cuts to be made. He didn’t want to lose his job so he had smiled and said no problem when David had asked him to do it. He didn’t get home till past midnight.

The following day, Andy had managed to leave work early and was driving back home when his cell phone rang. It was his wife Mandy calling. She was calling to say they had run out of washing up liquid and could Andy please stop at the supermarket on the way home to pick up some. Andy got really upset with her and told her off for not being organised. He eventually agreed he will stop at the supermarket but he made sure she knew he was not happy about it.

We tend to be protective of things that belong to us or that we own. At work, we work extra hard to see that we get to the highest possible position that is attainable. If at any time we feel that this position is being threatened, we work very hard to protect it. Andy was able to restrain himself from telling his boss off when he gave him work to do at the last minute but was quick to tell his wife how he felt when she asked him for a favour. He was willing to work very late to meet his deadline but very unwilling to pick up washing up liquid from the supermarket which was on his way home.

According to the Oxford English dictionary, have and hold mean the following:

Have – “Possess, own or hold.

Hold – “Grasp, carry or support”

When we promise each other “To have and to hold from this day forward”, what we are saying to each other is from today, I belong to you and I am in your possession and connected with you. I will grasp, carry and support you.

If we make an effort to treat our spouses with the same respect and tolerance we accord our colleagues, bosses and friends, I am sure a lot of us will argue less and get on with each other more. We should do all that is within us to make sure we do not lose that connection which binds us together.

The Vows We Take

In a traditional Christian marriage, the vows exchanged will usually take the form, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part".

In a traditional civil ceremony, the vows exchanged will usually take the form, “(Name), I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife). Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you with all your faults and your strengths as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and I will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life”.

I wonder if couples really understand exactly what they are saying to each other when exchanging their vows. Do they mean what they are saying or are they carried away with the euphoria of being married that the meaning of what they are saying to each other escapes them. I say this because of the high rate of divorce these days. Some marriages don’t live to see their 1st year anniversary even among couples that dated or cohabited a long time before getting married. When I hear of a marriage break up, it really breaks my heart because a lot of the time when you listen to why they have decided to divorce, it is because both parties have decided that their marriage is not worth fighting for. We tend to make more of an effort to save our jobs than to save our marriage.

When there is some sort of conflict at work or where one feels they have been treated unfairly by their employee, the first thing one tends to do is to look at the contract they signed before they started working to see if they have a case against their employer. When we experience some sort of conflict in our marriage, how many of us go back to read the vows that we made to each other on our wedding day? Maybe if we reminded ourselves regularly what we promised each other, we might see our own shortcomings when we want to be quick to condemn our other half. Sometimes life gets in the way and we forget what we promised each other on that beautiful day and never go back to remind ourselves of the vows we made to each other. I believe it is important we remind ourselves as a couple what we promised each other and what those vows we said to each other meant to us when we said it.

In the coming weeks, I will be taking a closer look at these vows that we say in front of friends and family on the day we get married. Please feel free to email me @ (Vivienne@viviennetiger.com) or click on the share my story link if you want to share your story or add your personal view to this article.