"Wish I Could Turn The Clock Back"

“Worst day of my life. Sadly have split with Erica am absolutely distraught. Yes a few problems in everyday life none insurmountable, can’t believe I am supposed to have pushed her at the weekend – too untrue for words. Still love her very much and would give anything to turn the clock back and to try to make things different – footnote, both parties need to give their all to make the wonderful institution of marriage work (and sometimes more). Inappropriate behaviour is not required.... love the partner you are with completely. Sorry everyone”.


The above extract was the message posted on facebook by Michael Pedersen on August 31st two days before he stabbed to death his seven year old son Ben, six year old daughter Freya and himself. The killings came weeks after he had split from his wife following a drunken row at a party. Michael was said to have flown into a rage when he saw his wife allegedly kiss another man at a party. Following the row, his wife threw him out of the family house.

As I read the story of how Michael stabbed his children to death, my heart went out to these innocent victims. I can’t begin to imagine what was going through their young minds as their dad stabbed them. Did he tie both of them together and make one watch the other one being stabbed; how long where they in pain before they finally died; did their dad look them in the face as he stabbed them?

From his facebook message, it is obvious that he felt he was the reason his marriage had failed. This year all over the world there have been a lot of stories about a parent killing their children following the breakdown of their marriage. Michael’s statement that both parties need to give their all to make a marriage work is true. I cannot understand why he felt the need to kill his children.

As parents we are responsible for protecting our children from danger. Our children should feel safest when they are with us. They shouldn’t be used as pawns when things go bad. Children should not be involved in the conflicts, domestic violence disputes, or negativity that happen between their parents.

Disagreements and conflict are inevitable between couples, but as parents we need to try and avoid exposing the children to these conflicts especially when it becomes aggressive or hostile. Children exposed to their parents aggressive arguments and conflicts, can be affected psychologically. On the other hand, research has shown that resolving marital conflicts with respect have a very positive effect on teaching children how to manage stress in a healthy way and how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. So the next time we argue in front of the children, let us do it with respect, warmth and empathy.



Please feel free to email me @ (Vivienne@viviennetiger.com) if you want to share your story or add your personal view to this article. Alternatively if you want to leave a comment you can do so on my blog: www.viviennetiger.blogspot.co.uk.

For Better for Worse

 Breathe Steven, Breathe... He was sitting in his car unable to drive, trying hard to control his emotion. He had just stormed out of his house after a row with his wife Anita. He had never walked out on her in the middle of a row before but he had to get out before he did or said something he will regret. Anita had really hurt him a lot with the things she had said to him. Since he lost his job, her attitude had changed but he didn’t think she blamed him or had lost respect for him because he was made redundant. It wasn’t like he was asked to leave the company, it folded up and everyone lost their job. She had been supportive the 1st week he was out of a job. When she came home, she made dinner as usual and was happy to catch up with him on how he had spent his day. Finding another job was proving a lot harder than he imagined. By the second week of job hunting with no definite lead, he decided to start up his own consultancy company. He had gained the required experience and had maintained a good rapport with the clients he dealt with when he worked. He had put in bids for a number of jobs and was quite positive that one of them will come through. He had been praying that something comes through quickly as his savings was quickly diminishing.


He noticed Anita started behaving funny in the 3rd week of being jobless. By the end of that week they had their first major row in a long time. She came home from doing the grocery in a funny mood. She had snapped at him when he asked her what was for dinner and she had tried to suggest he starts doing the grocery and cooking too. He didn’t mind doing the grocery if Anita couldn’t do it but Anita had always done the grocery and she had never complained until now. As for cooking he loved to eat but he didn’t know the first thing about cooking. He didn’t understand where Anita was coming from since she had always done this when they were both working and her working hours were still the same since he lost his job.

He was not one to regret things, but tonight he regretted asking Anita for money. He thought they had an open relationship where they shared everything but it seemed that only worked when he was the one providing. He made a silent vow to himself that he will never ask her for a penny as long as he lives and when things got better for him, he will only provide for the necessary things.

The number one cause of disagreements in marriage is money. When we are faced with a difficult situation, it is hard not to be overly sensitive to things that are said to us. For better for worse means we will be by our spouse’s side through good times and bad times regardless. Once Anita became the sole earner, she expected Steven to start cleaning, cooking and doing the groceries. These were chores she had done when they were both working without complaining about it. She no longer felt she had to respect him because she was the breadwinner. She wasn’t sensitive to his feelings.

Traditionally men feel they need to provide for their family and when they can’t they feel like they have let their family down. We are very quick to forget the good times once the bad times hit. We tend to focus on the negative. When things go wrong we need to be patient with our spouse and persevere in working through the difficult time. Steven’s silent vow to never ask Anita for money again has been made in anger without him telling her how he feels and talking things over with her to understand why she reacted the way she did. Communication is very important and when you talk things over, they don’t always look as bad.

Please feel free to email me @ (Vivienne@viviennetiger.com) if you want to share your story or add your personal view to this article. Alternatively if you want to leave a comment you can do so on my blog: www.viviennetiger.blogspot.co.uk.

A woman’s loyalty is tested.....

“A woman’s loyalty is tested when her man has nothing. ... A man’s loyalty is tested when he has everything....”


Anita snapped the book she was reading shut. She was trying to escape from her thoughts but that quote she just read was doing the exact opposite. She and her husband Steven had just had a big row which ended when he slammed the front door and walked out of the house. Ever since Steven was made redundant, they had been fighting a lot. To be fair to Steven, he was trying hard to get another job but no one was hiring and the few that were, had a lot of applicants applying for it. He was also trying to set up a new business which was taking up a lot of capital.

Anita had a good paying job but with only one income coming in, they had made a few cuts in their spending. She found she was easily irritable and was always snapping at Steven and their 5 year old son Jamie. She expected Steven to be more hands on around the house since he had a more flexible schedule. He helped as he always had before he lost his job in getting Jamie ready for school and getting him ready for bed, but Anita wanted him to help out with cooking dinner, cleaning the house and doing the grocery. He wasn’t a good cook but he could learn. She had tried to bring up the subject of doing more around the house before and it had always ended up in a row. He didn’t understand why she expected him to do these extra things just because he was out of a job since when they were both working she had done all these things happily and never complained.

If Anita was honest to herself, their latest row could have been avoided. Anita had come back from work that evening tired and exhausted. All she wanted to do was have a soak in the bath and unwind. Thankfully, Steven had fed Jamie and put him to bed. Steven was getting ready to go out to meet up with some of his friends when she came home. She knew he hadn’t been out for a while and he had been looking forward to just chilling with his close buddies, but a part of her was irritated that he thought it okay to go out when they were living on a tight budget. Just as he was about to leave the house, he asked Anita if she could give him some money because he was a bit low on cash. She pretended not to have heard him. He asked her again and in an irritated tone she told him if he didn’t have enough money then maybe he should stay home and forget about going out. She went on to say a lot of mean things to him. Her last statement to him was that she had lost respect for him ever since she had been forced to provide for their family. Steven listened to all she had to say without interrupting her and when she had finished, he reminded her of how he had been the sole provider for their family when she got pregnant with Jamie. He provided for them right up till a year ago when she decided she wanted to go back to work. Even when she started working, he still paid the bills and gave her money for the grocery shopping. He always gave her more than she ever asked him for happily. Even though he had been out of a job for 2 months, he still paid the bills, using the money from his savings account. All he had asked her to take care of was the grocery shopping and Jamie’s school fees. This she had only done for 2 months and was already complaining about it. She kept replaying Steven’s last words before he stormed out “I guess for better for worse means nothing to you”.

Steven’s last words came as a surprise. For starters she hadn’t thought about the vows they had made to each other since the day they got married. In her subconscious, for better for worse meant if he was ever sick she would be there for him. Sickness for her meant when he had the flu or a fever she would nurse him to good health. She had never thought of being there for him other than that. Thinking about it now, she felt really ashamed of herself. She had not been the helpmate that she was made to be for him. Once Steven had lost his job and she had been forced to take up more financial responsibilities, she had started resenting him and her respect for him dwindled on a daily basis. Like he reminded her, when he was the only one working, he always gave her everything she asked him for. He never belittled her or made her feel like she was a burden. Tonight she had done both to him. She sat in the dark waiting for him to come back home and praying and hoping he would accept her apology and forgive her.

For better for worse means we will be by our spouse’s side through good times and bad times regardless. Once Anita became the sole earner, she expected Steven to start cleaning, cooking and doing the groceries. These were chores she had done when they were both working without complaining about it. She no longer felt she had to respect him because she was the breadwinner. She wasn’t sensitive to his feelings. Traditionally men feel they need to provide for their family and when they can’t they feel like they have let their family down.

It is easy to love our spouse when things are going well, when we are in good health, financially stable, blessed with children etc. We are very quick to forget the good times once the bad times hit. We tend to focus on the negative. When things go wrong we need to be patient with our spouse and persevere in working through the difficult time.

“Honey please pick up some washing up liquid from the Supermarket”



Andy was very furious. At 4:30pm, his boss David had asked him to work on a presentation that needed to be delivered the following day. Granted David had only just found out about it but Andy felt he could have done it himself rather than giving it to him to do it. He had been working long hours for the past 2 weeks and had hoped he could leave work early today. He had promised his wife Mandy to be home early. Mandy had told him she was going to make his favourite meal of fried rice with beef in black bean sauce and he had been looking forward to eating it all day.


When David asked him to work on the presentation, Andy had to restrain himself from losing his temper. A lot of his colleagues had been laid off recently and there were rumours of further cuts to be made. He didn’t want to lose his job so he had smiled and said no problem when David had asked him to do it. He didn’t get home till past midnight.

The following day, Andy had managed to leave work early and was driving back home when his cell phone rang. It was his wife Mandy calling. She was calling to say they had run out of washing up liquid and could Andy please stop at the supermarket on the way home to pick up some. Andy got really upset with her and told her off for not being organised. He eventually agreed he will stop at the supermarket but he made sure she knew he was not happy about it.

We tend to be protective of things that belong to us or that we own. At work, we work extra hard to see that we get to the highest possible position that is attainable. If at any time we feel that this position is being threatened, we work very hard to protect it. Andy was able to restrain himself from telling his boss off when he gave him work to do at the last minute but was quick to tell his wife how he felt when she asked him for a favour. He was willing to work very late to meet his deadline but very unwilling to pick up washing up liquid from the supermarket which was on his way home.

According to the Oxford English dictionary, have and hold mean the following:

Have – “Possess, own or hold.

Hold – “Grasp, carry or support”

When we promise each other “To have and to hold from this day forward”, what we are saying to each other is from today, I belong to you and I am in your possession and connected with you. I will grasp, carry and support you.

If we make an effort to treat our spouses with the same respect and tolerance we accord our colleagues, bosses and friends, I am sure a lot of us will argue less and get on with each other more. We should do all that is within us to make sure we do not lose that connection which binds us together.

The Vows We Take

In a traditional Christian marriage, the vows exchanged will usually take the form, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part".

In a traditional civil ceremony, the vows exchanged will usually take the form, “(Name), I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife). Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you with all your faults and your strengths as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and I will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life”.

I wonder if couples really understand exactly what they are saying to each other when exchanging their vows. Do they mean what they are saying or are they carried away with the euphoria of being married that the meaning of what they are saying to each other escapes them. I say this because of the high rate of divorce these days. Some marriages don’t live to see their 1st year anniversary even among couples that dated or cohabited a long time before getting married. When I hear of a marriage break up, it really breaks my heart because a lot of the time when you listen to why they have decided to divorce, it is because both parties have decided that their marriage is not worth fighting for. We tend to make more of an effort to save our jobs than to save our marriage.

When there is some sort of conflict at work or where one feels they have been treated unfairly by their employee, the first thing one tends to do is to look at the contract they signed before they started working to see if they have a case against their employer. When we experience some sort of conflict in our marriage, how many of us go back to read the vows that we made to each other on our wedding day? Maybe if we reminded ourselves regularly what we promised each other, we might see our own shortcomings when we want to be quick to condemn our other half. Sometimes life gets in the way and we forget what we promised each other on that beautiful day and never go back to remind ourselves of the vows we made to each other. I believe it is important we remind ourselves as a couple what we promised each other and what those vows we said to each other meant to us when we said it.

In the coming weeks, I will be taking a closer look at these vows that we say in front of friends and family on the day we get married. Please feel free to email me @ (Vivienne@viviennetiger.com) or click on the share my story link if you want to share your story or add your personal view to this article.